Other problematic people are Trolls. A Troll is someone who joins cyber groups with the intent of causing trouble - it's how they get their jollies. While not always bullies themselves, they aggravate people and bring out the worst in them - including bullying tendencies. Typically a Troll at first lurks quietly, learning the trigger points of the group and then they'll say something deliberately calculated to get everyone arguing with everyone else, or the Troll themselves.

This happened a few years ago on a Pagan list I was on where one person questioned everything that was common knowledge, and this just sent people right over the edge -- e-mails were flying back and forth, but he professed to be unconvinced by anything anyone said. For example I remember posting something about the daylight hours getting shorter, but the Troll said that the hours of sunlight were always equal, everywhere in the world. People tried to explain the tilt of the Earth on its axis, and pointed out the phenomenon of the midnight sun and the long winters at the poles, but he pooh-poohed everything and said they were making it all up. Some list members went berserk and continued to try to convince him, but this only encouraged him to torment them further - he was always making similar pronouncements. In fact, the best way to deal with a Troll is to not respond to them at all - they will get bored and go away.

As we all know there are many Pagan lists that are unmoderated because people want to be free to express their opinions without censure. This is great in theory, but what if one person regularly attacks people? Simple - you end up with a group of bullies because everyone else is afraid to open their mouths, and/or leaves the group. Communication is killed, and only the ignorant remain. I'm not suggesting that all groups be moderated, but if someone is a known troublemaker I see no reason to let them take over - moderate that sucker until they prove they can be trusted! If you find that they can't be trusted, give them the boot.

Worst of all is the cyber-stalker, and Pagans are not immune to them. This is someone who follows their targets around the Internet, sending offensive e-mails to their in-box, groups and e-lists. Sometimes it can escalate into physical or sexual assault. For more detailed information please go to http://www.haltabuse.org/.

Sexual Differences of Bullies

Although I am outlining the differences in bullying style between the sexes, please understand that most bullies can "switch hit".- that is the males will use "female" tactics such as spreading rumours and female bullies will sometimes resort to traditionally male techniques such as physical violence (or manipulate someone else to do their dirty work). Make no mistake, bullies will use any and all weapons at their disposal to get what they want. They do not follow ordinary rules, so there is no reason why they would stick to the general tactics of their own sex when it comes to bullying others.

Because they are less likely to get physical (although some do) bullying by females is often dismissed or not taken as seriously as bullying by men. The reality is that all bullying is very serious.

Bullies can be male or female - the main difference is that female bullies are more likely to carefully plan their attacks, are usually more devious, manipulative, subtle, leave less evidence, will often bully with a smile and are more likely to bully in groups. They are also more likely to bully with words and body language (including glares, rolling of the eyes, the "evil eye", some forms of exclusion and the silent treatment). Male bullies tend to be less subtle, have a tendency towards physical aggression, and usually bully on their own.

While bullies of both sexes are usually trying to drive someone out of their community, how they go about achieving their goal can be very different. Men are just as likely to tell someone to their face to leave the community because they find them offensive, and can be quite open about their bullying. Some even go so far as to tell their targets what they are going to do and when.

Female bullies are usually more covert. Because women are socialized to place high value on relationships, female bullies can and do exploit this fact.  Being ostracized by the community can be especially devastating to a female target, far more so than a physical attack. Female bullies in particular know this, and so manipulate others into excluding the target by conducting smear campaigns and engaging in character assassination. 

We all knew girls like this growing up in school -- they would decide someone wasn't "cool" enough to be seen with and they set out to make their life a living hell. Some bullies don't grow out of this behaviour, mostly because they see no reason to change.

Narcissism and Bullying

Narcissism is a Personality disorder said to be characterized by extreme self-love. However, in the legend of Narcissus, he was not in love with himself; he was in love with his reflection (for an excellent explanation of this, go to http://www.operationdoubles.com/narc/). This is what people diagnosed with Narcissism are also in love with -- the self that they think they (and other people) see. Because they are unable to experience love (and most other emotions) first hand narcissists are pre-occupied with the need to project what they think is a lovable image. Unfortunately they almost always screw it up because they do not truly understand what is lovable and what is not. They tend to confuse the love of others with such things as awe, respect, fear, admiration and adulation. 

In other words, someone who is a diagnosable narcissist has to be the centre of attention, always right, is arrogant, manipulative, considers others as existing only to serve them, etc. They tend to attack when their ego is threatened, and if they are narcissistic to large degree, they feel threatened a great deal of the time.

Everyone is narcissistic to a point, and some narcissism is okay and perfectly natural. However, study after study has linked narcissism with bullying. The fact is that most adult Bullies are quite narcissistic - especially those whose preferred method of operation is verbal or relationship bullying.  It is also an uncomfortable fact that most psychopaths are narcissists (but not all narcissists are psychopaths).  For the DSM IV definition of a Narcissist, click HERE.

So yes, you probably have encountered someone in your lifetime with Narcissistic qualities. You might even have some of them yourself, but this doesn't make anyone a fully fledged Narcissist.

However, a Narcissistic Bully in the Pagan community (or any place, for that matter) can wreak havoc and tear organizations apart. Fortunately people like this are actually fairly easy to recognize if you know what qualities to look for  -- but remember that they have to have several of the qualities to fit the profile. 

 

Narcissist Bullies in the Pagan Community
Does the following sound like anyone you know?
Grandiosity has an inflated sense of self-importance (may exaggerate accomplishments or expect to be recognized as superior without appropriate achievements). He or she believes everything is owed to them as a right. paranoia often accompanies the grandiosity, reinforcing the need for protection against a perceived hostile person or organization (their target). has an absolute belief in their leadership ability but cannot tell the difference between real leadership (maturity, decisiveness, assertiveness, trust and integrity) and bullying (immaturity, impulsiveness, aggression, distrust and deceit) often has a great need and desire to be seen as a wonderful, kind, caring and compassionate person, in direct contrast to their behaviour and treatment of others. They can be totally oblivious to the discrepancy between how they want  to be seen (and believe they are seen), and what other people actually think of their behaviour seldom recognize the individuality or rights of others, which makes all self-serving behaviours, lies and manipulations acceptable.
Egocentric everything is always about them. If for example you are in a group of people talking about the death of your grandmother, the conversation will somehow be turned around to become focused on them and their problems. If it’s a one-on-one conversation, you’ll get something like "Oh, that’s too bad. Let me tell you about. . ." narcissists and bullies like to have followers, so they deliberately cultivate people in the community who will be manipulated to admire them, adore them, inflate their already monumental egos, and overlook their pretence, half-truths and lies. in a crowd these people regularly dominate conversations and often act like extremely pompous thespians or opera divas
Shallow emotions and lack of empathy they lack a mature conscience and seem only to be restrained by fear of being punished or damage to their reputations. Emotionally and morally they behave like a very bright six year old child. while these people may have outbursts of emotion, it’s often a performance in front of an audience to obtain a certain result – what they display is superficial at best, pretended at worst. Positive feelings of warmth, joy, love, and compassion are usually more feigned than experienced. may be unmoved by things that would upset a normal person while outraged by insignificant matters. although intelligent in some respects, perceptive, and quite good at sizing people up, they make no genuine connections with others, seldom having real friends -- they have victims and accomplices, and the accomplices frequently end up as victims. unwilling to listen, and unable to sustain mature adult conversations unless they are the topic under discussion (but only in a positive way) may not notice if someone is in distress unless it affects them directly. On the other hand, if they have caused the distress they may appear to be thoroughly enjoying it may mock someone's emotions, either to their face or behind their back, thinking their pain is hilarious. They often do not appear to notice that no one else shares their amusement. most often they are unwilling to apologize for their transgressions, but will if there are important witnesses present - then it's over-the-top, very artificial and inappropriate - done merely to convince others of how "nice" they are often have trouble remembering names, and might consistently get familiar people's names wrong. For example, they might always call someone named "Pauline" "Paulina" even after multiple corrections. This is may not be done to annoy so much as that they are not terribly concerned about getting it right - "Pauline" just isn't that important to them. are superficially co-operative but motivated by revenge and the need to stay on top
Controlling behaviour display an intense need to criticize while at the same time refusing to acknowledge, value and praise others. If a narcissist makes a mistake, it's one that anyone can make; if someone they don't like does the same thing, it's because they're an idiot often disguise their criticism as loving concern are drawn to positions of power, and can be very autocratic, high-handed, officious, petty and mean-spirited tend to micro-manage their targets, nit-picking about every little detail and publicly criticising their behaviour. However, the mistakes, omissions and derelictions of duty of those in their favour are overlooked, no matter how incompetent they are. tries to control the flow of conversation (usually to keep it about themselves), and can be quite reactionary if someone starts talking knowledgably about psychology or personality disorders in their presence. because they are extremely focussed on how they want others to perceive them, they are hyper-vigilant when it comes to insults and quick to anger. For a narcissist, rage follows anything that threatens to tear off their mask of normalcy. Narcissists are famous for insisting on having the last word - even if that word makes no logical sense given the conflict involved.
Extremely Competitive poor sports and very poor losers, it is best not to engage a Narcissist in board games or other competitions. They expect to win, even if that means everyone else has to play a losing game. If you refuse to throw a game they will usually resort to "bending the rules" or cheating - but no one is supposed to notice this either - if you expose their cheating things can get really ugly. sometimes narcissists will make a competition where none really exists. For example, someone they dislike may be very knowledgeable on some subject or other. The narcissist naturally will resent the fact that their target gets consulted by others, and so they read a book or two and soon proclaim themselves a better expert - often claiming some hereditary title or other to make themselves (in their own mind at least) superior to the real expert. Their drones are expected to swallow this drivel, and if anyone questions their qualifications trouble will ensue. refuses to accept differences of opinion. The person who disagrees with them MUST be convinced of the truth of the narcissist's point of view. For example, let's say that you both saw the same movie, and they liked it but you didn't. It's common for a narcissist to insist that you sit through the movie again, with them, while they try to convince you how great it is. If you profess to remain unimpressed they may well bring it up every time they see you, still trying to persuade you that you are wrong about this movie. Most people would pretend to be convinced at this point - to get them to shut up about it if nothing else - but if you stubbornly refuse to see reason they usually will become very cold towards you, or else pick a fight over some trivial thing and refuse to speak to you any more. Anyone who refuses to fall in line with their way of thinking will sooner or later be excluded from the narcissist's exalted presence. unfortunately I don't remember who said it, but the following quote sums up a narcissist's attitude toward competition perfectly: "It is not enough that I must win. All others must fail." because narcissists see everything as black and white, people who are friends with them are not allowed to be friends with (or sometimes even speak to) someone that the narcissist doesn't like. You will probably not be able to maintain a relationship with both parties because the Narcissist will make you choose between them and the person they are targeting - and if you choose their target, the Narcissist becomes your enemy too. bullies and narcissists have to be first in the hearts of their friends, and although they themselves are allowed to have many "best" friends, their followers are not to have close relationships with others.
Persuasive & manipulative bullies are often very good at beguiling, confusing, and convincing others of the veracity of their lies. They can be great at distorting peoples' perceptions with the intention of creating a negative view of their target in the minds of people in the community. This is achieved through undermining, the creation of doubts and suspicions, etc. completely ruthless if someone isn’t co-operating with their agenda, and will not hesitate to try make the other person feel bad. They usually begin with emotional manipulation but if that doesn’t have the desired effect, they will quickly move to other forms of coercion. most narcissists have an amazing ability to twist the words of others around. They use this talent to avoid blame and make other people out to be the bad guy. If you have never experienced this first-hand, it is nearly impossible to describe just how they manage to disorder people's thinking with such patently illogical arguments - or understand how their accomplices fall for it, but fall for it they do.
Gullibility bullies are often surprisingly easy to deceive, probably because they have never learned to "read" people properly, and thus are unable to detect a liar who might charm them with flattery and attention can be sucked in by con games easily, especially if there is the potential for them to gain more money, power or sex tend to be fooled by the same people and stories over and over - rarely learning that there may be a need to be wary of certain people and situations
Strange ideas about truth and honesty make convincing liars and when busted, will make up something plausible to fit their needs at that moment. A narcissist can look you straight in the eye and lie to you easily, even when it is obvious they are being untruthful. sometimes they lie for no apparent reason, even when it would be much easier to tell the truth. some of these people actually appear to believe their own lies, especially if they apply to their abilities or powers - extreme examples of this are cult leaders. contradict themselves constantly, sometimes in the same breath. They will even contradict facts, and if you have the nerve to disagree with them, or try to straighten out their story, they'll accuse you of being confused, lying, or crazy. often refuse to be specific or give a straight answer cannot keep a secret, and will often embroider it when they pass the information on as gossip
Vociferous denial of any wrongdoing when trapped a narcissist will try to twist the conversation to absolve themselves from responsibility. If this doesn't work, their next tactic is to keep talking, changing the subject. If this doesn't work either, they display anger in attempt to frighten off their accusers. if caught red-handed and professing to be hurt by the experience in some way, it will boil down to that he or she is mad because someone is angry with them - not because they believe themselves to have been in the wrong. when confronted, immediately and aggressively denies everything, then counter-attacks with distorted or fabricated criticisms and allegations. trivializes their role in the conflict "I can't believe you're all upset about that!" or talks about making a fresh start, "Well, that's all in the past. I don't know why you're so obsessed with it," even if the past incident was only five minutes ago. may feign victimhood (especially popular with female narcissists). This 1) keeps the attention on them, and not on what you are accusing them of; 2) stops you from continuing with your accusations, at least temporarily; and 3) it makes you look like the bully if there are uninformed witnesses to the charade. How can you accuse such a sensitive soul of doing something like that? Covert aggression (which narcissists excel at) is not just about not getting caught - half of the skill to it is looking like you would never do it in the first place. the denial/counter-attack/feigning victimhood strategy can provoke their target into an angry and emotional outburst after which the narcissist gets to say "See? I told you she was like that!" even kindly meant, constructive criticism can provoke rage in these people, because it means you've noticed they are not perfect. However, conciliatory gestures will only result in more demands from them, but not a return to how things were before you dared to find fault.
Taking credit when it’s not due these people are rarely original thinkers, and seldom credit the people whose ideas they steal. If they are a member of a wider community, say a Pub Moot, they will speak and act with others as if it’s their Moot, and may load it up with their followers so that they gain control of it. they are copy-cats and shameless self-promoters. For example, someone in the community might decide to dedicate themselves to a certain Goddess or God. Before long, the bully has dedicated themselves too. Within a couple of months the bully will declare themselves High Priest or Priestess of that deity. If they have a falling out with the original person interested in the deity, they may well declare them a copy-cat and attempt to expel them from the new community or coven that has grown up around the bogus High Priest/tess.
Their sense of entitlement makes them think they don't have to follow rules narcissists believe they shouldn't have to follow the standards that everyone else lives by. However, they are the first to complain if they see someone else stepping outside of socially acceptable behaviour it's not at all unusual for these people to jump lines or make scenes in stores and restaurants to get preferential treatment often exhibit immature behaviour, poor manners, impulsiveness and excessive demands. What they want, they want immediately. are selectively friendly, being sickly sweet to some people, downright rude to others, and completely ignoring the rest. narcissists are well-known for arriving late at events so they can "make an entrance" and thus gain attention. Many have been known to disrupt rituals, interrupt workshops, and interfere with seating plans on a regular basis. Pagan Standard Time is very a narcissistic concept, and reflects the disregard for others that narcissists have. it is common for them to cancel commitments without reason or warning, most often because a better offer came along (although they probably won't admit this) feel it's okay for them to exploit people without any reciprocation on their part. often will expect extravagant presents at Yule or on their birthday, but if they buy anything at all for the other person, it probably wouldn't cost them more than five dollars. if a narcissist uncharacteristically buys you a thoughtful or expensive gift be very suspicious - they are likely setting you up for a favour of some sort like anyone with the emotions of a six year old, many narcissists have very poor boundaries over possessions and tend to believe that what belongs to their friends and followers actually belongs to themselves. They often "borrow" things and return them very reluctantly (if at all) but at the same time are very loath to share their own possessions - even with those closest to them. because they are usually social climbers, narcissists often treat service people like dirt (unless they want something from them which they are not paid to provide under normal circumstances) while sucking up to the people they are impressed with. If someone is nice to you, but appallingly rude to the waiter for no apparent reason, you might be dining with a full-blown narcissist. some of these people are actually proud of being snobs, believing that they shouldn't have to associate with lesser mortals. if a bully or a narcissist gets themselves elevated to a position of authority, it is almost certain that they will make up many specific rules for their followers to live by, which they themselves are exempt from in extreme cases they may be involved in criminal activities
Physical infirmity which is real, feigned or imaginary many narcissists claim to have some sort of physical problem which may or may not be genuine. often use one of their infirmities as an excuse to get out of doing things, and it’s remarkable how convenient it can be. While often quite capable of dancing around the fire for hours, when it comes time to pick up the garbage their back (or ulcer, arthritis, haemorrhoids or whatever they claim to have) suddenly acts up and they can hardly function. are highly sensitive to their own pain and tend to be hypochondriacs may claim that their willingness to heal others with their remarkable abilities has caused them to take on the infirmities of those that they healed.  may use their physical problems to get people to serve them - bring them food from the buffet table for example, or get preferential treatment (such as a chair) at public gatherings.
Intolerance of others who have real physical problems often will express the opinion that others are faking their illness or pain will sometimes enter into a twisted competition over who suffered more - someone who broke their leg, for example, couldn't possibly have felt as much pain as they did when they cut themselves chopping herbs that morning sometimes accuse others of "playing the sympathy card" if they have a visible infirmity. For example, they might insist that a blind person who wears dark glasses and carries a white cane does so because they are looking for sympathy from other people will seldom be found in the company of people who are say, missing a limb, have visible birth defects, or have been disfigured by fire. In fact, these people are sometimes their targets.
Strange ideas about proper sexual behaviour often exhibit unusual inappropriate attitudes to sexual matters or sexual behaviour. If they want to have sex with someone, they will make elaborate plans to get what they want, regardless of whether they themselves or the other party are in a committed relationship. Usually, having got what they wanted, they will drop their plaything like a hot potato and move on to their next conquest. investigation will usually reveal a string of broken relationships in their private lives. It's not unusual for these people to have lived with half a dozen or more partners, characterized by sudden break ups, and immediately moving in with the next person often project their promiscuity onto others, characterizing them as "sluts" or worse.
May have inappropriate or hostile body language the amount of eye contact a target has with a Narcissist is very telling. Introverted bullies tend to avoid eye contact, especially with their targets or people that they are afraid of for one reason or another. Extroverted bullies usually stare at their targets, probably because they know it makes them uncomfortable. Male bullies often have an "appraising" stare, especially towards women. while a target is speaking to a group when the bully is present, watch how the bully moves. It's common for them to cross their arms, make dismissive gestures, roll their eyes, smile covertly at others in the group, or even ostentatiously turn their back on the person - all without appearing to have heard a word their target has said. if the bully has an entourage, they are seldom seen by their target without them. Bullies use their drones to intimidate others through sheer numbers, and to ensure that if they are confronted by anyone, they have backup, or at least a friendly audience
Vanity and delusions of intellectual superiority narcissists of both sexes can be obsessed with the way they look, and constantly compare their physique with that of others. A grey hair or wrinkle can send them into the deepest of depressions. almost all narcissists think they are smarter than the people around them, but usually they are not. Statistics show that most bullies (and narcissists) have below average intelligence, and what intelligence they do have seems to be focused on getting to be the centre of attention and manipulating others so that they remain so. they are usually very bad at learning new skills, and resentful of those who pick things up faster than they do. have trouble learning from experience, repeating the same mistakes over and over many claim to have qualifications, experience, titles, credits or degrees which are exaggerated or downright bogus. They try to impress others with their knowledge, but then expose their ignorance of the topic in odd ways
Lack of humour narcissists often have a strange or apparently non-existent sense of humour. may not laugh at appropriate times, or when they do, it is a forced and brief "ha ha" which most people would recognize as that they did not get the joke but don't want to be left out. they especially have difficulties in laughing at themselves, and can be quite hostile if other people laugh at something they say or do when they aren't trying to be funny.
Evangelistic tendencies they often seek out people they perceive to be weaker than themselves to "convert" them to Paganism, and then keep them by their side as a follower, or part of an entourage. often have an ability to attract followers who have the skills and connections that they themselves lack, which the bully then uses to their own advantage. may use their "followers" to protect themselves, intimidate others, and give themselves a false sense of confidence. may discourage members of "their" flock from associating with others, whether other Pagans or even family members.
A messiah complex they style themselves "Lord" or "Lady" somebody-or-other, and claim to be High Priest or Priestess of a certain God or Goddess, or a Pantheon. However, investigation will often prove that a) they have never been initiated or even trained for their supposed role, b) when asked specific questions about their beliefs or the history or mythology surrounding it, they will frequently get fundamental facts wrong, c) they may have formerly been High Priest or Priestess of a different deity or Parthenon, d) they are intolerant of non-pagans in particular, but other "non-believing" Pagans as well. may talk and act as if they are a special favourite of the Gods - the Gods love them, and want them to be the way they already are, and so they can do whatever they like - but YOU have to have guidelines. in extreme cases they may declare themselves divine in some way and become cult leaders