How Gossip and Slander are Used
to Bully Within the Pagan Community
One
of the problems we have as human beings is that we love to gossip,
and bullies in the Pagan Community exploit this fact for their own uses.
While gossip, slander and bullying are common to all religions, it may have
a worse effect in Paganism because there is seldom any recourse for those
who are gossiped about. For example, if a Catholic priest gossips about the
confessions of people in his parish, the congregation can go over his head
to the Bishop and something might be done about the situation. In Pagan
society, with our horror of hierarchies, there is often no one to complain
to, or if there is, their power is very limited anyway. Sometimes the
community leaders are afraid of the bullies as well, and so will not take
any steps to deal with them in case they become targeted next.
In some cases, bullies who spread gossip pose a threat
not only to individual Pagans but to the entire Community. They build up a
power base and and turn everyone else paranoid. People begin to fear
everybody else and soon the Pagan Community begins to reflect the
personality of the bully.
Gossip
is unavoidable because human beings are naturally curious about one another.
Some gossip can actually improve situations, and some is acceptable only in
certain circumstances (see the list below). However negative gossip in the form
of untruths, unfounded accusations or taking credit for the ideas of others
harms people and Paganism in general. Whether there is malicious intent or not,
it is unethical and can cause great damage to the reputations of both the victim
and the people repeating the gossip.
There are three kinds of gossip, the first being the
chit-chat that we all do, and includes things like "Did you hear the McIlvoys
are having another baby?" It is basic information without harmful intent, but we must
still be careful about what we say and how we say it.
The second kind of gossip includes some information about
a person’s character, and so is a bit more dangerous. Statements like "James is
in a really bad mood" may or may not be true, but people will base their
judgements on false or misleading information.
Slander is the third kind of gossip, and it is used to
destroy people’s reputations and betray secrets that are not meant for others
ears. It includes maliciously repeating a story that may or may not be true in
order to tear another person down. An example might be "That woman is a psychic
vampire and nobody likes her." This sort of thing prevents friendships from
developing and destroys potentially good relations within the Community.
Whoever gossips to
you will gossip about you.
~ Spanish Proverb
People Pass on Malicious Gossip
for Several Reasons:
some use it as a social tool
because they are too insecure to rely on their own personality
it can be used to assure
oneself that however bad their own situation is, there is someone in worse
shape
certain people believe that
if they have confidential information others do not, it makes them appear
important, knowledgeable and superior, and that people will listen to them.
when some sad people fear
another somehow excels them, cutting that person down helps excuse their own
failure to achieve in a similar way.
some do it because they are
jealous of the attention or acclaim another person gets, so they point out
their faults, thinking it makes themselves look a little better by
comparison.
if feeling injured, putting
the other person in a bad light seems to some to be a fair way of
retaliating. It can also be an effective way of winning people to their side
in a conflict.
in rivalry with others it is
easier in some ways to prove someone is worse than you than it is to prove
you are better than they are. It is a lazy and cowardly way to win a
competition.
it can be used as a
diversion to cover up one’s own mistakes and schemes.
it is used for revenge and
other malicious purposes.
As empty
vessels make the loudest sound, so they that have the least wit are the
greatest blabbers.
~ Plato
The following is a list of times when
talking about other people is sort of, or sometimes
acceptable:
when a major life change is
occurring to someone you know and care about, and you pass on the
information to others who might also care about them
when you are truly trying to
help someone resolve a problem or disagreement
when you really plan to take
positive action to alleviate the situation the gossip refers to, and need a
neutral perspective
when you are warning someone
about a person whose practices are definitely undesirable for a reason other
than you just don’t like that person (this rule applies very rarely)
when you have accurate
information to defuse or counteract a damaging or inaccurate rumour
when you are gathering
information in order to fight back against a character assassin. I know this
is contradictory, but when it comes to stopping this sort of thing I feel
that gathering information about a bully is more than fair if it will change
the status quo. However, I do not believe that it is okay to make up things
about the bully just to get back at them because this behaviour makes you no
better than they are.
malicious gossip is
never acceptable, for any reason
No one gossips about other people’s secret virtues.
~ Bertrand Russell
Slander & Character
Assassination:
Slander is gossip turned ugly. Though it may look
like ordinary gossip, slander is done by the initial perpetrator with the
absolute intention of destroying a person's reputation. It is a cowardly way to air grievances without accepting the responsibility to work through a
problem. Slander most often begins with anger or resentment, sometimes jealousy,
a perceived betrayal or other slight. Rumours are subtly slipped into the flow of conversation,
picked up by the grapevine and spread, ruining a reputation.
Pagans are certainly not immune to slander. Members of the
Community hear things they cannot confirm and wonder if the rumours might be
true. Factions form, and more and more people sense the undercurrent of
dissension, even if they haven’t heard the rumours. People get uneasy, spiritual
malaise sets in, and the Community suffers from a persistent low-grade
infection. It can easily split a Community, weakening it and preventing
fellowship and co-operation between Pagan groups and covens.
A lie told often enough becomes the
truth. ~ Lenin
The Smear Campaign of a Pagan
Bully
Let's look at a little scenario - someone in the Community claims to believe
that a High Priestess has thrown negative energy at them. There is absolutely no
evidence that the High Priestess has ever thought about this person, let alone
done anything harmful, but the person apparently believes this is true, and if
other people in the community decide to honour their experience, this must mean that the
High Priestess is an evil hag. Sounds ridiculous, right?
This inversion of logic happens all the time in Pagan circles, and is used by
bullies to gain control of the community. If you can manage to destroy a
selected target’s reputation through something totally unprovable, you gain
power, pure and simple. If you do it often enough, you own the
community.
This is the smear campaign in action.
While at the age of twelve the bully might have just beat up whoever they did
not like, as adults most have learned that if you're going to abuse or
pick on someone it's safest to do it indirectly. "A good whompin'" may be
witnessed, reported to the authorities, or if things seriously backfire, the
bully may end up getting the worst of it in a physical fight.
Bullies are cowards. They pick their targets carefully, and try
to make certain that they will not be able to fight back effectively once they
begin their attack. This is where the smear campaign comes in - they have to set
up doubts about their target in the community so that the community chooses to
align itself with the bully, or at least remain neutral (i.e. not on their
target's side).
Bullies are hyper-vigilant when it comes to people who recognize them as
trouble-makers
- they are often the first ones targeted, and for good reason. The smear
campaign swings into action the minute they realize someone has seen through
them. Because they are perfect (in their own minds only), and need the
attention of others desperately, they will do anything to keep people thinking
they are a wonderful person.
The problem is that someone else has seen the truth, and might tell others
what they know.
Protecting themselves, the bully must discredit anyone who might expose
them for what they truly are. They will go to enormous lengths to silence their
detractors, capable of telling everyone their target knows that they are
delusional, a liar, a whore, a control freak, irresponsible, or whatever else
they can think of. Often the accusations they make are based on what they have
already done in their own lives - projection.
Bullies can be very charming and persuasive when they feel like it, and some
of them will make it their mission in life to convince everyone in the Pagan
community that their target was the bad guy and that they (the bully) were
victimized by them. Many people in the Pagan community (including myself) have
lost important friendships, been thrown out of their covens, been banned from
gatherings (for no reason), and some have even had family members turn against
them.
They go to all this trouble for three reasons - to deflect blame from
themselves, to ensure continued adulation and attention from those they dupe,
and to gain power in the community. More of this power is gained each time the
manage to eject someone - eventually, the bully is in sole control of what goes
on because they’ve got rid of anyone else who might stand up to them.
The smear campaign is a bully's most important and effective weapon,
mostly because so many people in the Pagan community are willing to believe the
first thing that they hear about people, without bothering to check out the
facts, or even consider that there might be another side to the story. No, the
version they heard must be correct - if the target of the gossip tries to
straighten things out, it just proves that they are a liar.
How a Bully Uses Gossip to Drive Someone Out
of the Community
Bullies are nothing if not predictable, and they follow the same general
sequence when trying to drive someone out of the community using a smear
campaign:
the target is selected by the perpetrator, who
then begins telling others they dislike the person. Because they seldom have
concrete reasons for wanting to exclude someone, bullies usually begin by
making something up & spreading rumours and innuendoes
people in the community close to the bully
begin acting strange around the target, and the target will notice
this. Eventually they realize they are being gossiped about, and recognize
the source of it.
the target might complain about the gossip to
friends or others in the community, but the problem probably won’t be taken
seriously — the consensus at first is usually that they are being paranoid
or just need to ignore the other person
more and more people hear the rumours, which by
this time have been greatly embroidered. The source of the gossip is at this
stage probably very pleased with themselves and may be playing the wide-eyed
innocent victim of their target
because people have either heard and believe
the rumours, or are convinced the person is being paranoid, they form
negative judgements about the target. Either way, the target of this abuse
begins to be excluded from social circles in the community
those taking the side of the target are
similarly excluded for the company they keep, & you end up with two (or
more) hostile camps
at this stage the person typically either
decides to fight back or they leave the community in disgust . If the
former, there may be a full-scale Witch War. If the latter (a much more
common scenario) Paganism loses a valuable person in the community
once the target leaves the community, there's a
short period of rest for the perpetrator, and then a new target is selected
and the whole process starts again
even if the hoodwinked
community Members realise that they might have sided with the wrong person
in the past, they are unlikely to admit it because to do so may incur
embarrassment or be an admission of their own stupidity. There is also the
fact that sideliners are often more
frightened of the rumour-monger than the target and will go to enormous
lengths to avoid having to deal with their behaviour
Defusing Gossip
The best way to defuse gossip is to refuse to listen to it, or associate with
those who do. Unfortunately this can sometimes severely limit your connections in the
community!
We all need to build a reputation for integrity -
don't gossip about others, and don't credit any gossip that you may hear without
checking into the facts first. But remember, unless the gossip is about you
directly, it's really not your concern - just don't repeat it.
What other people think
of me is none of my business.
~ Oprah Winfrey
How to Defuse Gossip About Yourself
Remember:
If you freak out or otherwise react badly to gossip about you, people tend
to think you have something to hide. Sad, but true.
No matter what you say or do, some people are going to be stupid enough to
believe the rumours. You will not be able to convince everyone that
your side of the story is the true one, so your next best option is damage
control
As a general rule, don't confront the person who spread the gossip about you
with an angry tone in your voice. Causing a scene will only make them feel more
justified in their actions, and witnesses will tend to think you're the one who
is irrational. If you feel you must confront them publicly, wait until you have
calmed down sufficiently and thought out your strategy carefully.
No matter how annoyed you are, don't retaliate with
gossip of your own. You are better than they are, and degrading yourself
for temporary satisfaction is not at all necessary
if you have heard gossip about yourself, you can
often defuse it fairly easily by publicly saying something like, "Did you hear
the latest rumour about me? Apparently they're saying I [fill in whatever
you've heard here, with a very small amount of detail]. Isn't that
ridiculous?!" then laugh uproariously to show how absurd it is. If you do this
on a semi-regular basis people will eventually recognize that the source of
the gossip makes stuff up. It will also annoy the bully because their plan to
intimidate you obviously isn't working
in the unlikely event that someone asks if the
rumours about you are true, your best strategy may be to remain calm, appear
baffled, and say something like "Well that's a new one. No, it's not true and
I wish I knew why _____ would go to so much trouble to spread gossip like
that." This shows that you have nothing to hide, and may make people begin to
wonder if the person spreading gossip has a hidden agenda.
if you want a stronger response than the previous
one, when someone is trying to tell you what the bully has been saying about
you, hold up your hand and clearly and firmly say something like "She never
tells the truth about me. I don't want to hear any more about what she
says." This almost certainly will get back to the original gossip, but first
your statement will be repeated to many people along the way, hopefully making
some of them think about why you would make such a powerful statement.
be careful what personal
details you reveal to relative strangers. Avoid detailed discussions of
income, sexuality and personal relationships unless you know you can trust
the person
Keep this philosophy in mind the next time
you either hear or are about to repeat a rumour...
In ancient
Greece (469 - 399
BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher
came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do
you know what I just heard about one of your students?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a
little test. It's called the Test of Three."
"Three?"
"That's right," Socrates continued "Before you talk to me about my student
let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth.
Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now
let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell
me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even
though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued. "You may still pass though, because there is a third test
- the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going
to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor
Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"
The man was defeated and left, ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a
great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
So do the test of three whenever you are tempted to
repeat gossip:
1) Is it the Truth? Are
you sure about that?
2) Would it be a Kindness to anyone if you were
to repeat what you've heard?
3) Will repeating the information do any
long-term good overall? In other words, is it ultimately Useful?
If it doesn't pass any
one of these tests, then you have no business repeating the gossip that you've
heard.
One
of the problems we have as human beings is that we love to gossip,
and bullies in the Pagan Community exploit this fact for their own uses.
While gossip, slander and bullying are common to all religions, it may have
a worse effect in Paganism because there is seldom any recourse for those
who are gossiped about. For example, if a Catholic priest gossips about the
confessions of people in his parish, the congregation can go over his head
to the Bishop and something might be done about the situation. In Pagan
society, with our horror of hierarchies, there is often no one to complain
to, or if there is, their power is very limited anyway. Sometimes the
community leaders are afraid of the bullies as well, and so will not take
any steps to deal with them in case they become targeted next.
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