Sometimes bullies in the community are misidentified.

As stated elsewhere, many people who become Pagan are quite sensitive to the criticism of others because of past trauma or abuse.  Unfortunately some who have experienced early trauma come to see abusive behaviour in every word and action, whether it truly exists or not. As a result of this distorted perception, they may over-react to quite harmless behaviour because they see it as threatening. Many people like this can be quite strident in their accusations, and completely unreasonable -- they were bullied by _________, and if you don't see that, then you must be a bully too! Sometimes these perpetual victims simply need to look in the mirror to see the real bully, but they are usually unable (or unwilling) to do so.

There is also the fact that our spiritual path does seem to attract people who are a little strange, or even mentally ill. In some cases it is perfectly understandable why people try to avoid certain individuals - but this does not automatically make them (the avoiders) bullies. Nor do we have to be friends with every other Pagan we meet  - there will be personality clashes, and some people will actually dislike others, and that is okay. What is not okay is to deliberately set out to make people uncomfortable so they will leave a function or community, simply because we don't like them very much. If you have a problem with someone, be civil but don't hang out with them, and above all, keep your dislike to yourself! There is no excuse to do anything more.

Many people in our Pagan communities have strong personalities and opinions, and are not shy about sharing them with anyone who will listen. To some it might seem that these people run roughshod over others, but that is seldom their intention and most often they would be shocked and horrified to find out that someone thinks they're overbearing, let alone a bully. What you need to ask yourself is whether the person actually has an agenda to take control, or are they just loud, opinionated, and maybe a bit obnoxious? None of these things make them a bad person - just annoying at times. The key is to determine whether your perceived bully actually intends harm to yourself or others. If the answer is no, then they are not a bully. 

Some Pagans only speak to those whom they know - other coven members for example - and appear to snub all others. This by itself does not mean they dislike you, or that they've even noticed you. Some people are quite simply very shy around those they do not know well and so avoid speaking to relative strangers, warming up over time. Others might have been burned at some point in the community, and are therefore very careful about those whom they associate with. The other possibility is that they are just self-absorbed, and don't notice other people unless they have certain characteristics that they are interested in. If a person is known for not speaking to people outside their immediate circle it is best not to take it personally - it's their problem, not yours.

Occasionally accusations of bullying can come out of a misunderstanding that could easily be cleared up, if only the protagonists would talk to one another. Things people say get misheard, misreported or interpreted incorrectly, someone takes offence, says something uncomplimentary about the first person, who hears about it, and then things spiral out of control. Other people get involved, take sides and before you know it, there is a full-scale witch war going on that no one can explain. This kind of scenario is no one person's fault, but is a problem of the community as a whole - gossip leads to this sort of situation, and the stubborn pride of the original people in the disagreement. It serves no one, while weakening the community.

Sometimes bullies will try to make it look like you have been bullying other people in an effort to make you a social pariah. They most commonly do this by manipulating others into thinking that you are the one spreading rumours about community members. For example, they might tell a known gossip that "[your name here] told me that Ethel was kicked out of her old coven because she had a mental breakdown and attacked the high priest," knowing full well that the story will spread like wildfire, eventually getting back to Ethel, who will be infuriated at you for spreading lies about her. Before you know it, everyone is angry at you and chances are no one will tell you why -  all you know is that suddenly everyone is acting cold and distant to you, and you stop getting invited to things in the community. Usually the puzzled target leaves the community because they feel uncomfortable with the coldness, but occasionally they find out why everyone has turned against them. However, by this time the damage is done and nearly impossible to rectify.

I know this scenario sounds absurd, but I have had dozens of e-mails from people all over the world describing this very thing -- it does happen, and more often than you think.

It's also common for bullies to try to turn the tables on their targets when busted, and make themselves out to be the victim. The target is usually bewildered when this happens, but you've got to expect it if you're going to fight back.  The single most important piece of advice I have for the target of any kind of bully is to make a log of bullying incidents with dates, times, lists of witnesses and material evidence which you keep in a safe place (see the Action to Take page for more details). If you have such an item, you can trot it out and say "What about this?" if a bully accuses you of bullying them. This lessens their credibility a great deal because they may not have an immediate answer, and people around them will start to wonder about things that they themselves remember.