You have four basic choices when faced with a
bully:
1) You can leave the community without addressing
the problems you have been
having. The benefit of leaving is that this particular bully will cease to
be a problem for you. However, chances are very good that a) you will not feel
good about your choice in the long run; and b) you will probably run into the
same sort of problem elsewhere.
2) You can stay in the community, ignoring them and hope
that they stop
targeting you.
3) You can try to befriend the bully.
4) You can fight back.
To see the benefits and pitfalls of ignoring or befriending a
bully, clickhere
This particular page will concentrate on how
to fight back against a bully in the community, but EVERYONE should read
the next section, regardless of what they intend to do.
The Single Most Important Piece of Advice I Have for
Someone Being Bullied:
Even if you have no intention of fighting back, you absolutely MUST
document on paper every single bullying incident that happens. There are several
reasons why this is so essential:
it is easier to see patterns of abuse if it is
written down in chronological order
this information will become invaluable if you end
up in a lawsuit (remember, this could happen because the bully decides to sue
you, not the other way around)
bullies are very good at convincing their targets
(and others) that they (their accusers) are delusional - having all your
incidents written down will refresh your memory and may provide comfort when you
most need it
you might change your mind about fighting back, or
you might find that they are expanding their circle of targets, and there is an
opportunity to fight back as a group -- your records would then suddenly become
very important
you can use the information you have recorded to
challenge the bully. If they are accusing you of bullying them, for example, you
can trot out your notebook and say "What about ______ that you said to me on
_____ ?"
Buy yourself a special notebook or a binder and start recording information:
write down all past incidents with the dates as
close as you can make them
in all incidents include the date, approximate
time, who was present, and who said what
print out and keep all e-mails (both on paper and
in a folder of your in-box), notes and transcripts of phone messages (also
record and keep the messages so that you have their voice on tape saying these
things)
if there has been property damage, take keep lots
of pictures
if the police are involved, obtain and keep copies
of their reports
if there is a physical injury get and keep copies
of all medical reports, including medication prescribed.
if possible, ask bystanders to sign that they have
witnessed an event.
Keep this record in a very safe place, and be careful to keep its location
and even its existence secret from all but those you most trust. If you
need to use your records to confront a bully or prove that someone has been
targeting you, take a photocopy and leave the original in its safe place.
Never give your
original notes to anyone else in the Pagan community: 1) they may conveniently
"lose" your documents because they are secretly on the bully's side; or 2) they
may lose some or all of your notes because they are careless. After all,
it's not their problem, and they might not understand the seriousness of what
you are saying. Keep your original notes in a secret and safe place, only surrendering them
to legal people when asked specifically for original documents. Even then, make
them sign for them and keep copies for yourself.
The vast majority of the race, whether savage or civilized, are
secretly kind-hearted and shrink from inflicting pain, but in the presence
of the aggressive and pitiless minority they don't dare to assert
themselves.
~ Mark Twain
What and What Not to Expect if You Take on a Bully:
Remember that most bullying can be traced back to one person in the
community. If you single-mindedly concentrate on exposing that person, most
often their supporters will gradually melt away. However, you also have to
expect that when the bully realizes you’re out to expose them, they will be
angrier than ever and looking for ways to shut you up or shut you out. The thing
all bullies fear is a loss of power, and once you start to fight back, they will
be terrified that others will see just how weak they really are. This is when
things can get truly vicious, and you should know what to expect from them. None
of this is to say that you shouldn't fight back, or that you can't win, but I
don't want you to be surprised by their reactions.
Expect them to increase their attacks on you, because they nearly always do.
You should be prepared to be disappointed in other people in the community
because they either utterly refuse to take a stand, or they take a stand against
you because it's easier for them. Some people won't admit to seeing the truth even if it comes up and bites them on the nose,
and they may take the bully's side because the bully is more forceful
than you are, and they are too wimpy to ask awkward questions.
Many people simply won't notice anything, unless the bullying affects them
directly. Don't be surprised if people who witnessed instances of bullying have
no idea what you're talking about later. Mind-boggling at times, but absolutely
true.
You should expect to be the subject of gossip, because this is an adult
bully's weapon of choice. Don't be surprised if people act strange around you,
or unaccountably stop speaking to you.
Expect to hear that your bully is doing wonderful things in the community.
What they really do at this stage is damage control, and it won't be long
before they're back to their usual selves.
People may rush up to tell you what the bully is doing, or threatening to
do. Most often this is just wind, and nothing terrible will happen, but be on
your guard none-the-less and be wary of those reporting the bully's movements to
you because they might be working for them, not you. Check out your sources
carefully because they might be trying to stir up trouble.
Expect some people to be nosey about you, and to ask to hear your story, but
not necessarily directly from you. They most likely will ask your closest friends what's
going on, and you might want to brief them about what you want made public
before this happens.
The bully may well try to paint you as the aggressor, and themselves as the
hapless victim of your bullying (see the
Falsely Accused, How Bullies Operate
and Role of Community sections for
more information on this) The really sad part is that some people will be
gullible enough to believe their song and dance, and will help to vilify you. Even if
they are later proved wrong these people will seldom admit it, or try to make
amends because to do so would be to admit their stupidity. Many people just
don't have the balls to apologize when they've made a mistake.
Chances are very slim that a bully will recognize their behaviour as
bullying. Unless they are the type of bully who revels in their reputation as
the baddest person in the Pagan community (and there are some people like this),
they will probably be completely oblivious to the fact that they are behaving
badly. In most bullies minds they are being perfectly reasonable, given the
fact that they don't like their targets and want them to go away.
Do not expect to receive an apology or even an explanation from a bully
because you will probably be very disappointed. Bullies don't apologize unless
they are forced to by someone they respect and/or fear, to save face
when they're caught red-handed in front of a large group of people, or if they
genuinely repent. This last happens so seldom that it is barely worth
mentioning, but sometimes a life-changing event makes the bully re-evaluate
their life and decide to end their feud with you. However, my advice is that if
someone has been targeting you for a while and then unaccountably apologizes, be very very suspicious because they might be setting you up for
more misery.
You can expect to not be taken seriously by some, and for people (perhaps even
friends) to try to talk you out of your feelings, or what you know to be true.
To see a list of phrases they might use, please go to
http://www.eqi.org/invalid.htm and
click on Examples of Invalidation. People do
tend to bury their heads in the sand and deny anything is wrong, but this
actually contributes to the problem. You may hear that you're a shit-disturber
for bringing it up; that you have an over-active imagination; the person was
probably joking, so forget about it; you're WAY too sensitive and/or have no
sense of humour or that Pagans would simply not do that to other Pagans, and
therefore you must be crazy. The bully of course will revel in this, and
encourage the community to judge you harshly. This is why you have to be
prepared before you commit yourself to battle.
In order to overcome
one's enemy, one must study diligently to understand how he came to be
your enemy, what his motivations and goals are. Fully understanding your
enemy and then rational planning based on that knowledge is the only way
to emerge the victor.
~ Unknown
Steps To Take Before You Strike Back:
do your research. Access all information you can
lay your hands on in regard to the dynamics of bullying. See the Links Pagefor websites to go
to. and books to read
if you are running a business and the bully has
been targeting your clientele, do a financial analysis of before the trouble
started and after. This evidence might help you to win a lawsuit, if you can
prove their slander has affected your income.
while I am against gossip, when it comes to
stopping this sort of thing I feel that talking about a bully in order to gather information about them is more than fair if it will change the status quo. However, I do not
believe that it is okay to make up things about the bully just to get back at
them. It would have been easy in my own case to say something like "Well you
know the poor thing has brain damage, and can be completely irrational, don’t
you?" because some people would have been stupid enough to believe it. This
behaviour makes you no better than they are. Besides, spreading negative
rumours about the bully will only lower people's opinion of you
and your abilities (no one will remember who started the attacks -- you'll be seen as both petty and untrustworthy). If you have to resort to lies
about the bully’s behaviour, you may need to ask yourself who the real bully
is in this situation. Stick to the truth.
find out as much as you can
about the bully without arousing suspicion. You need to know something about
their family background, their educational level, what they do for a living,
what kind of neighbourhood they live in, the state of important relationships
in their lives, their interests and what they do for fun (besides pick on
other people). What is important to this person?
if you know the bully has done this sort of thing
to others, make it your business to talk to them about their experience. It
may well be that someone else has discovered the chink in the bully’s armour,
and they might be delighted to share this information with you.
build up a support network. Go to socials, moots,
dances, rituals and other events in the community and get to know people,
showing them the charming individual you are. Make a point of becoming friends
with people because they are your best defence – if people who know you don’t
believe the bully’s lies, other community members begin to doubt their veracity.
remember that bullies always have willing
collaborators – there are others in the community providing the bully with
support and encouragement. Sometimes this is the person you least expect, and
might be someone you trust. Also remember that many people will lie to save
their own skin, sometimes even people you thought were friends in the
community.
if you decide to take action, make sure that you
are extremely well informed and that you have a reliable support network in
place because the truth is, once they realize you're going to fight back they
will probably step up their attacks.
practice being more assertive. Take classes if
you have to.
start seeing a competent therapist outside the
community to talk about your feelings around what has been happening
How to Talk to a Bully
if you have to interact with the bully, always
take at least one support person with you because then someone else can back
up your side of the story if need be.
make sure you are at eye level or above the bully. Never remain seated if
they are standing during a confrontation because this gives them a sense of
power. Exude confidence and look them in the eye while you speak to them.
speak in a calm and clear voice and name
the behaviour you don't like and state what is expected instead. For
example: "I don't like the way you're speaking to me right now. I want you to treat my feelings and
opinions with respect." Respect the person and always demand
respect in return. Settle for nothing less.
don't accuse or judge, just state how you feel.
if you don't want to confront them for some
reason (such as inappropriate timing) and they start their nonsense, create a distraction or change the subject. Try using humour or a
well-chosen word to disarm the bully - the important thing is to say
something confidently back to them.
no matter how provoked you are, don’t lose your
temper in public or succumb to the temptation to punch the bully in the nose.
It might give you momentary satisfaction, but it will also shift the focus
from the bully's behaviour and you will be seen as the villain of the piece,
no matter what they said or did. You can also count on them to milk it for all
it’s worth, and see to it that people talk about the incident for years.
don't argue or interrupt, just listen
attentively.
if the bully tries to verbally abuse you, just
say, " I don't allow people to treat me this way." Then slowly and calmly
walk away. In the midst of an attack you can also just pause, look
at the bully without emotion, then turn and walk away without responding.
simply recognizing there is a problem can keep
the confrontation from becoming larger than it has to be. By showing the
other person that you recognize they are upset (even if the anger is illogical
from your perspective), you are demonstrating that they are a person of value
to you.
repeat back to the bully what they have just
said. Often when people hear their own words repeated back to them --
especially irrational or irresponsible words -- they may be caught off guard
by the reality of what they have said and decide to rethink it. When you
restate, you buy time to think about what you want to say next, move the conversation to a more logical and
balanced discussion, and put the burden back on the bully.
reword what the person has said. Sometimes a
rephrasing a statement can be so clear that its original sender must
reconsider the words and be faced with the reality of what he has said or
how he has said it.
offer a summary of the communication. While
bullies often become very verbose in an attempt to disguise what they really mean,
summarizing boils all the nonsense words down into one simple idea. Once the one
idea is summarized you can then disconnect the irrational aspects of
the communication and focus on the real issue at hand.
ask questions to deal with the insecurities or
anger of bullies. For example, if a bully accuses you of something
ludicrous, respond by asking, in a non-threatening way, "What are you trying
to say?"
try not to accuse them of anything because they
will immediately deny all knowledge of the incident in question. Sometimes
the best way to get a bully to confess to something is to ask them how
they did it, rather than why they did it. This methodology is
especially effective with Narcissists because they can seldom resist
bragging about their own cleverness. Ideally, you should ask this question
in front of witnesses because the bully will not hesitate to deny their own
admission of guilt afterwards.
if you do take on the bully, remember that
bullies can be very vindictive. Often you are dealing with a person who does not share the same
moral values as you - most people expect the bully to recognise their
wrongdoing and make amends. Narcissists cannot and will not - but they
will ruthlessly exploit other people to ensure their own
survival. Never underestimate the bully's deviousness, ruthlessness,
cunning, and ability to deceive - or their vindictiveness.
If you have a plan to strike back at your
bully, do not share details with anyone unless they are actively helping you
and have earned your implicit trust.
Above all, do NOT tell the bully that you have
something planned for them. You do not want them to be able to strike back,
or make your plan backfire. It is best by far if they are taken by surprise
because it's harder for them to come up with
a bogus defence on the fly.
A free society is a
place where it's safe to be unpopular.
~ Adlai
Stevenson
But what if It's a "Friend" Who is Suddenly Attacking Me?
First of all, he or she is not your friend. Not anymore at least, and maybe
never was.
Reasonable, grown-up people always assume that problems with others can
somehow be resolved - therefore they first take a good look at themselves and
their own behaviour. If they can identify something that the other person might
have found offensive they might try to apologize or make amends. Normally this
would probably clear things up - if they were dealing with a reasonable grown-up person who actually
wants resolution.
What targets of bullies often fail to realize is that they are dealing with
someone who has the emotional capacity of a five year old. You can't win an
argument with a five year old who is having a temper tantrum, and you can't win
with most bullies either. They simply don't understand compromise, the concept
of live and let live, turn the other cheek or any similar philosophies - you
made them mad (or sad, feel incompetent, etc.), and now you must pay! A five
year old will cry, scream, sulk, refuse to talk to you and attack their brothers
or sisters to anger you, but they soon forget what they were angry about and
behave normally again.
Unfortunately adults have longer attention spans, and adult bullies have
learned how to cause pain to others over the long term. They don't want to
resolve the problem with you, any more than a five year old wants to admit that
they were misbehaving - they're not about to acknowledge that they might possibly have
been in the wrong. The other reason they won't let go is because they enjoy the
attention and drama that comes from someone who is trying to make up with them.
They love it when people try to resolve things with them because it gives them
power - they get to decide whether to "forgive" the person or not, and they
love this sort of thing. A bully may pretend to forgive you, but before long your earlier
transgression is thrown in your face again and you're out in the cold. They
usually try to do this when their targets are most vulnerable, or when they least expect
it.
Person One (Bully)
Person Two (Target)
Primary Action/Reaction
Starts an argument about something stupid,
or makes an absurd accusation
Bewilderment leads them to analyze their
own behaviour & try to find a way to make things right again
Secondary Action/Reaction
Either "forgives" their target
(temporarily) or becomes more aggressive in their abuse (spreading
rumours, etc. to drive their targets out of the community)
If "forgiven" they will be walking on
eggshells - especially if this is already a pattern with the people
involved. If the abuse escalates they will either leave the community or
attempt to defend themselves
Desired Outcome
Attention - even negative attention is good as
far as these people are concerned. They also love to create drama, and
get as many people involved as possible
Ultimately targets of bullies want peace and resolution, even if
they have to leave the community in order to find peace. However, those
who choose to fight back will usually settle for getting their good
reputation restored - however that may come about
This is the great mistake that targets of bullies everywhere make - they
assume that everyone wants peace as much as they do. You have to accept that
you are not dealing with a rational human being and there is probably no
viable way to resolve the problems with them. It takes two people to reach a
compromise, and bullies simply don't understand the meaning if that word - to
them it means that they have lost the battle because they did not get their way in its
entirety.
So if you can't win, what can you do?
Treat them like a screaming five year old having a temper tantrum and walk
away. If you give in, you can look forward to more tantrums every time you say
no to them, or disagree. Stop associating with anyone behaving like this in the
community, and let them rant about you. They will expose themselves as spoiled
brats and the whole fiasco will ultimately backfire on them.
However, the key to this strategy is that you don't leave the community - if
you do, they will have a clear field to malign you and people will be stupid
enough to believe them (thinking you are too ashamed to show your face, or such
foolishness). If you stay involved in the community and continue your
activities as usual people will reach their own conclusions. Just don't speak to
your former "friend" or volunteer your reasons - unless you are asked by someone. If
asked, be a calm rational adult, and explain what happened briefly without getting angry (if possible).
If you do this, the true story will get
around, and your abuser will be the one who is ostracised, not you.
You can win this argument, but it takes time, patience and
adult behaviour on your part. In a way you are fighting back, but you are just
giving your former "friend" enough rope with which to hang themselves. Enjoy the
show - and above all, don't feel sorry for them when it all comes crashing down.
They will take you down with them, if they can.
When It Comes Time To Complain About the Bully
to Others:
Online:
if you or other people are being bullied on an e-mail list, by all means send
a private message to the moderator explaining why you are offended.
if you think someone else is being unfairly attacked on-line, don't just sit
there! Get typing and be counted as being on the target's side. Too many people
actually support the person being bullied, but never say so on-line. This
doesn't help anybody but the bully, who then assumes that their behaviour is
acceptable.
if the bullying is ongoing, and the moderator thus far has done nothing,
publicly ask them (the moderator) to do something about the person - either
moderate their messages or ban them altogether. Sometimes you need to quote the
rules of the e-list back at a lazy moderator to get them moving
if they still refuse to do anything, post to the group that you are leaving
and clearly state why. Do not leave without saying anything.
The Internet is a great tool, but everyone should take some steps to protect
themselves:
keep your personal e-mail just that, personal.
Only give the address to family and trusted friends
set up an account with a free server for
ordering stuff over the Internet - this way your main mailbox won't get
filled up with spam. Clear it out often to keep it active
set up another free account strictly for e-list
use, and do not use your real address or phone number. It might also be wise
to use a bogus name for this purpose
avoid using your real name when posting to
lists, and never give out your phone number or address over the list - if
you want another member to have it, do it privately
At Events:
if you witness someone bullying another or
otherwise causing trouble at an event, inform the organizers immediately.
Often they are too busy to notice anything that is not their direct
responsibility for the day, but if you call their attention to an incident
it will probably be taken care of very quickly.
if you are running an event and someone causes
a disruption you are well within your rights to ask them to leave. If they
refuse, call the police or any security personnel and have them escorted off
the premises.
if a banned person unexpectedly shows up at an
event, it may be best not to let them in because they are probably up to no
good - don't assume they've changed unless you've seen evidence of it
if an altercation becomes physical, or even
physically threatening in any way, tell the organizers if possible, but get
out of there fast and file a police report, taking with you a copy of the
records you have been keeping
In General:
if you decide to go to the head of your coven
or group leader, build a case against the bully by pointing out the number
of people who have left, the potential for lawsuits, and any other items you
can identify
don’t become emotional because even if it’s
true, you sound paranoid when you say something like "She’s turned everyone
against me." Try to stick to cold hard facts. This is where you pull out all
your documentation and read a litany of specific things the bully has done
to target you and others.
give references if possible. Mention names of
other people to contact for confirmation of what you have said, first making
sure that this is okay with the person and that you can trust them to back
you up.
if everything else fails, consider leaving the
community. In some cases walking away may be the best thing to do, for in
doing so, you regain control of the situation. Try not to think of it as a
defeat - you are leaving a dysfunctional community by your own choice, and
it takes brains to recognize this and strength to carry it through. Other
communities will value you and your skills, so don't let your social and
spiritual life be ruined by one personality-disordered person. If you are
forced into leaving, make it clear to community members that this is due to
bullying.
If You're a Community Leader Receiving Complaints About
a Bully:
don't ignore it and hope it goes away - it will
escalate and you will become a target yourself eventually
make it clear that you will not tolerate this
behaviour in your group, identifying specific tactics that you find
offensive. Change the rules of your organizations if necessary.
if you witness bullying (although this is
unlikely because bullies like to operate in the shadows) confront it on the
spot and don't be afraid to use the word "bully"
when you see anyone standing up to an obvious
bully, publicly comment on it in a positive way
if you are getting regular complaints about a
specific person being a bully, quietly take them aside and hear their side
of the story. Try to be objective, and do not take sides at this stage - you
just need to find out some facts before you make any decisions.
If there has been some sort of misunderstanding
you might want to suggest mediation (as a general rule don't get in the
middle of this sort of thing because it often backfires onto the neutral
party).
watch and listen carefully to what happens -
remember that bullies often try to drive other people out by accusing them
of bullying, and this can be difficult to spot. Try to stay neutral and
listen to everyone's version of events.
when you have decided who the bully truly is,
privately give them a verbal warning (don't put anything in writing because
they can use it against you).
if the bullying continues (or they turn it
towards yourself) ask them to leave the group. Call a meeting to tell the
others in the group or community what has happened in general terms, and
that _____ will no longer be attending. Don't put this in writing either
because they may try to claim defamation of character or something.
and this may be the hardest of all for some
people -- if you believe you have bullying tendencies yourself, you have to
make a conscious effort to stop doing it. Don't gossip, spread rumours,
order people about or attack anyone else in the community.
been
having. The benefit of leaving is that this particular bully will cease to
be a problem for you. However, chances are very good that a) you will not feel
good about your choice in the long run; and b) you will probably run into the
same sort of problem elsewhere. 
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